A Chinese sage once told me...
I'm from Jakarta, stop calling me Chinese.
The wise sensei kicked his protégé in the mouth when he heard him brag about how he defeated all enemies without ever losing a match. What did the wise sensei teach his beloved disciple?
O sabor do "dafeet"
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Wise words and thoughts.
As I got older, I learned that it's impossible to please everyone, but it's easy to piss everyone off.
I am responsible for what I say, not what you understand.
Common sense is like deodorant. The people who need it most never use it.
my fool...
new dairy cow
The only cow in a small Polish town has stopped giving milk.
People did their research and found that they could travel and buy a cow from Moscow for 2,000 rubles or one from Minsk for 1,000 rubles. be frugal
they bought the cow from Minsk. The cow was wonderful.
...
The wise say...
only Russian fools
Why are storms always so wise?
they are insightful
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What's the difference between a smart guy and an ass sniffer?
One is smart, the other smells like farts.
A word to the wise is not required
It's the fools who need it
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A wise man once said...
A wise man once said that the nipple is the clitoris of the breast
A wise man once said:
When you understand why pizza is made round, packed in a square box and eaten like a triangle
Then, my friend, you will understand women.
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Creation of a pussy
Seven sages with such subtle knowledge
Creates a pussy for your project.
First he was a butcher, clever and cunning.
He made a cut with a knife.
The second was Zimmermann, strong and bold.
He made a hole with a hammer and chisel.
The third was a tailor, tall and thin
use...
I was on a blind date with a girl...
And I told her that being funny is the second best way to get a girl into bed
She asked, "What is the best way?"
I said "a big knife".
She laughed and said "You're funny".
I said "wise choice".
After studying the Force, young Skywalker wants to practice his French and asks Master Yoda: what does je ne sais quoi mean?
I do not know what
that means,
says the wise green hermit.
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Why wasn't Jesus born in Russia?
Couldn't find a maiden or three wise men.
a wise saying
Light a fire for a man and he will be warm for a day.
Set it on fire and it will stay warm for the rest of its life.
Stalin visits a young pioneer camp.
He asks a boy, "What's your name, boy?"
"My name is Vovochka Karpov, Comrade Stalin," says the boy.
"Tell me, Vovochka," says Stalin, "who is your mother?"
"My mother is the Great Soviet Country!"
"Well done," says Stalin, "and your father?"
"My father is him...
Reverse the words to sound wise...
For sound words, reverse the wise.
A man visits a wise man and meets his three daughters...
He goes to stay the night and each of the girls comes to him to offer his hospitality.
The first tells him that her name is June because she was born in June. She has a lot of experience in fortune telling and will give you advice for the future.
The second tells him her name is August....
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At the top of the mountain, a Japanese man asked the sage, "Master Akira, why does every westerner think that we Japanese are all the same?"
"I'm not Master Akira."
The fourth, less well-known sage brought the gift of protein powder to baby Jesus.
It was a whey in a manger.
Have you heard of the three wise men in the age of NFTs?
They came up with GIFs
A wise man once said, "Life becomes much more peaceful when you realize that you are not responsible for the projections of others."
… the cinema manager then began to reconsider his career.
I heard we tell bad jokes, so here's mine.
A long time ago, a Cheerio lived in a small village under a huge mountain with a small town on top.
This famous city was known for one thing, in this city if you stand in line you can get anything you want but to reach it you have to climb the difficult high mountain....
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A stuffy wise philosopher spoke about life after a period of deep contemplation
He said "Shit happens and we all gotta be prepared"
A wise man once said, "It is better not to say anything"
An even wiser man didn't say that
Three suitors - choose wisely.
A woman decides between three suitors with whom she wants to stay. She tells the three men, "We're still young and inexperienced, get out there and travel the world, we'll see when you come back."
So the first guy goes to Europe and travels through the different countries there.
...
A wise old man planted a date palm...
A boy approaches and asks:
- Wise old man, why are you planting such a tree when it is very unlikely that you will live long enough to see it bear fruit?
The wise old man looked at the boy and smiled:
- Why don't you fuck yourself and mind your own business? the land is mine...
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Only real sharks will understand
Two great white sharks swimming in the ocean have spied on the survivors of a sunken ship.
"Follow me, my son," said the shark father to the shark son, and they swam into the crowds.
"First we swam around her a few times with only the tips of our fins showing."
And they did.
"Well done S...
I went to a wise man for advice the other day and he said:
“Whoever knows and knows that he knows does not know. He who does not know and knows that he does not know, knows."
I don't know who will be paying my taxes next year, but I know it won't be him again.
Sherlock and his friend Watson go camping
They set up their tent and fall asleep. A few hours later, the two wake up.
"Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see.
"I see millions and millions of stars, my dear Holmes."
Holmes: "Tell me what it means, Watson."
Watson: "Astronomically,...
A general was sent to the Kremlin I to brief Putin on the situation in Ukraine.
When he got there, he was met at the door by a marshal who pulled him aside and whispered, "The President is a very busy man and has only time for a single word from you, so think carefully and choose yours." word carefully! "
So the general thought about it while nervously waiting for his call....
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Centuries ago, the Pope decreed that all Jews had to convert to Catholicism or leave Italy. There was a big outcry from the Jewish community, so the Pope offered a deal. He would have a religious debate with the leader of the Jewish community.
If the Jews won, they could stay in Italy; If the Pope won, they would have to convert or leave.
The Jewish people assembled and elected an elderly and wise rabbi to represent them in the debate.
However, since the rabbi did not speak Italian and the pope did not speak Hebrew, they agreed it would be an 'si...
Morecambe and Wise is no joke (they never made it to the end)
Two old men were sitting on deckchairs. Someone says, "It's beautiful out there." The other says, "Yeah, I think I'll take mine, too."
A young Chinese asks a wise monk:
"Master Chong-Li, why does everyone think that we Asians are all the same?"
and he replies, "Who the hell is Master Chong-Li?"
Years later, Jesus writes a letter to the three wise men thanking them for the gifts they have given him.
"Hello Wise,
Thanks for the first sage, I will use it very much, maybe not now but much later in life. As for you, second sage, I am very pleased with myrrh, it smells pleasant and I have perfumed my house with it. But third, I'm tired of traveling...
A Chinese sage once said: When a dog barks
It's undercooked.
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The Pope falls ill with a rare fatal disease.
The best specialists from all over the world were discreetly called for advice. After much debate and research, they determined that the Pope's only hope of saving his life was to have sex with a woman. His advisers were notified and they in turn spoke confidentially to the p....
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Finally, three friends reach the top of the mountain where the sage lives.
The sage says to the first "Go and heal yourself". She said, "Wow. You're right. Did you know I'm a doctor?"
The sage said to the second "Go and teach yourself". He replied, "That's profound. Did you know I'm a teacher?"
The third friend walks away angry. "What's happening?...
Eric is stranded on an island...
Eric is stranded on an island. Desperate, he wanders and hides behind bushes when he encounters a native tribe of cannibals and their cannibal king, seated on a golden throne.
"I'm screwed." Eric whispers to himself.
Then, out of nowhere, a wise old man appears. "No...
At Friday night's service, Morris asks his friend Irving.
"I need a favor, I'm sleeping with the rabbi's wife. Can you keep it for me in the synagogue for an hour after the service?”
Irving isn't too keen on the idea, but being a longtime friend of Morris's, he reluctantly agrees. After the services, he strikes up a conversation with the rabbi and asks him about everything...
What profession?
The father of a bright young son turned to a wise friend for advice on what profession the young man should be suited for. The sage was harsh.
"Let the boy decide for himself," he said.
"But," protested the father, "he's too young."
“Well,” replied the sage, “put it in a...
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A wise man once said to me, "Martinis are like breasts..."
One is not enough, but three is too many.
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A Japanese man in a monastery on a sacred mountain asks the sage, "Master Ayumu, why do all westerners think Japanese people look the same?"
"I am not Master Ayumu."
A wise man once told me never to give up on my dreams.
That's why I keep sleeping.
An old man was wandering in the desert when he came to a village...
Last year, on my first cake day, I shared one of my grandma's long jokes. I plan to make this a tradition, so here's another:
An old man was walking in the Sahara desert with his donkey when he came to a village. The people greeted him as best they could and offered him hospitality...
Sonyu, the famous monk, asked his wise master why he has a reddit account.
The wise master replied:
A piada, Sonyu.
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A Mexican, a Spaniard and an American travel by plane
When suddenly the plane crashed on a small island. The three emerge from the remains of the crash and realize they are the only survivors.
They quickly organized and began gathering materials to survive when suddenly they were surrounded by a group of local cannibals with spears and taken to prison...
The wise spice merchant was known for his wise advice
He was less in demand for his oregano lead, thyme tips and rosemary questions.
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A kung fu student in ancient China meets his wise old master...
A kung fu student in ancient China meets his wise old master. He says:
"Master, I keep trying, but I can't do the Thousand Exploding Suns Kick. Help me, master!”
Your master tells you an anecdote.
“Have you ever seen the sea waves crashing against the white cliffs?...
A wise old man once said to me, "The things you fear are the things you will find in life one day."
I've never been so scared of a million dollars.
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The Wise Rabbi
A Nazi once spoke to a Jewish rabbi.
"Why are you Jews so smart? Tell me or I'll kill you!” he demanded.
The rabbi scratched his beard. "Okay, I'll tell you, but first you need to become more spiritual. Go and fast for 40 days. Dive into ice water every day.”
40 days later,...
A mother takes her daughter to the doctor
The doctor says, "Okay, what's the problem?"
The mother says: "It's my daughter Suzie. She continues to have these cravings, gaining weight and being sick most mornings.”
The doctor examines Suzie well and then turns to the mother and says, 'Well, I don't know....
My partner asked me, "What is 'man on fire'?"
Apparently, "my urethra" wasn't a wise answer.
When Maria gave birth to a boy, the wise men were not surprised.
..but you should have seen their faces when she had the little lamb!
A wise man is walking through a market with a bag of gold.
As he walks past the various vendors, a vendor quickly lights some incense sticks and a lovely scent fills the air. "It's incense," says the merchant. "The best in the country."
The sage takes some and is about to leave when the merchant exclaims, "But wait...it has myrrh!"
I will never forget what my wise grandmother always told me
"Get out of the way, I'm trying to watch TV!"
A wise man once said...
If idiots could fly, this tiktok would be an airport
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A man goes to hell...
The devil greets him and says, "You must choose your torture. Choose wisely, for this will be your torment for all eternity.”
The man goes through hundreds of rooms but can't decide until he sees a room where a man is sitting on a couch watching football on TV and getting sucked off by a crowd of people....
Why are piggy banks so smart?
They are filled with ordinary pennies.
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a smart move
2 guys are standing at a bus stop when a tall, muscular, badass guy walks up to one of them and says, "H-h-hey, h-h-dude. What the h-h-time have you?"
The guy just stands there and stares at the imposing man without saying anything. The big one finally growls "F-f-fuck". Then he turns around...
Wise Chinese proverb
Man stays in the bathroom
it's high, not poten
It's so easy to be wise.
Just think of something stupid to say and then don't say it.
Three wise kings debated gifts for an upcoming baby shower.
"I have this!" the first proclaimed. "Myrrh! I will buy them in our store! Mother knew how to make all sorts of perfumes and medicines!”
"Fantastic idea!" the second nodded and he gasped, “Incense! I have some left over from a recent trip!
they turned around...
A wise man once said
A man is like a spider, when he gets in the web his hands get sticky
King Solomon the Wise
He had more than a thousand wives
But do not forget
For every woman he saw
he also won
a mother-in-law
My friend comes from a different culture and asks me questions about Christianity
This time he was confused about the story of Jesus' birth.
“Why was the mob involved?
"What the hell are you talking about?"
"It says here that there were three smart guys."
(Edited thanks to u/soveranol for best joke)
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A wise woman was once asked, "What is the difference between hunger and lust?"
She replied, "It depends on where I put my carrots."
Source: Sunny Leone, the goddess.
A man who recognizes his mistakes when he is wrong is wise. A man who knows his mistake when he's right is...
Married.
A wise squirrel once said, "You are what you eat".
Don't believe him, he was a nutcase.
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A wise old monk was planting a date in his garden when a young man passed by.
This confused the man who knew that date palms take 80 years to bear fruit so he asked the monk:
"Why do you plant a date if you will never live to enjoy its fruit?"
The old monk smiled kindly at the young man and replied:
"My son. Go and eat a fat stick. It's my garden,...
Wise Italian grandfather.
Why Italian fathers and grandfathers pass their handguns on in the family.
An old Italian is dying. He calls his grandson to the bed, Guido, I want you to flatten me. I want you to take my chrome ..38 revolver with you so you will always remember me.
"But grandpa...
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Three not so wise men
Three men are preparing for a ride on the tourist plane. They were about to leave but decided they wanted some snacks for the plane trip so they went to a local grocery store before heading to the airport. There the first man bought an apple. The second man buys a pear....
Once upon a time there was a wise old man...
Once upon a time there was a wise old man in a village. Impossibly old, he channeled knowledge of nature and the divine to his fellow citizens.
Many came to him with questions until one day he took a vow of silence and closed the open door. Instead he turned to his deserted field. he wou...
A wise man once said that in order to be happy a man must:
1. Find a woman who is a good cook and knows how to keep her house clean and tidy.
2. Being able to converse with a woman who is intellectually equal to him.
3. Being happy with your partner in bed.
4. Find someone who shares your dreams, vision, achievements and achievements...
Have you heard of the tragedy of Darth Plagueis the Wise?
I did not think. That's not a story the Jedi would tell you. It's a Sith legend. Darth Plagueis was a Dark Lord of the Sith, so powerful and so wise that he could use the Force to influence midichlorians to create life. He had so much knowledge of the dark side that he could even keep those he cared about....
A captain's wife after a year of marriage
loves her husband dearly, missing him during the long weeks he is tirelessly at sea and earning a living, but worries that one fateful day he will not return. Wise woman that she is, she knew which man, which life she chose. Her husband is the captain of the Rigid Timber, the hardest working ship at sea. he is an honest one...
A wise Nigerian prince once said...
"I think, therefore I'm wrong."
Two rabbits really wanted to have children, but they couldn't. So they went to the wise old owl and asked for help.
The owl looked at her, stroked her feathered chin, blinked a few times and said:
"Well... look, boys..."
A wise man once told me, "Live every day of your life as if it were your last day"
*stressed and depressed*
Write a wise saying and your name will live.
----Anonymous
It is said that Judaism is successful because our religion has so much wisdom. Yes, the Jewish people always ask very wise questions...
Like "You know that jacket is so expensive?! Don't you have a discount for me?"
Why is it unwise to date a tennis player?
Love means nothing to them.
A man asked a wise guru, "What is the secret of eternal happiness?"
The wise Guru replied: "In order not to quarrel with fools."
The man says, "I disagree."
The wise guru replied, "Yes, you are right."
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The wise old Jew
A CNN journalist heard about a very old Jew who went to the Western Wall to pray twice a day, every day, for a long, long time.
So she went to see. She walked to the Wailing Wall and there he was, slowly walking towards the holy place.
She watched him pray and a...
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A wise man once said, "When the ascension of the machine happens...
Make sure you are not near a vibrator factory.”
The three wise men visited the baby Jesus
As Melichior bends down to get a closer look at the child, he bangs his head on the manger ceiling and yells, "Jesus Christ!" Mary looks up and says, "What a lovely name, I was going to call it Irving."
What is the opposite of Ernie Wise?
Kirsten Dunst
A word to the wise from personal experience.
If your brother Charles is being held for drug dealing, there's no point putting up a banner at his house that says "Free Charlie."
the wise hermit
A traveler undertook a long and arduous journey to find a hermit who was considered wise. After weeks of searching the desert, he finally found the old man in his hiding place. "Tell me about life," said the traveler. "Well," said the hermit, "life is like a fish."
thought the traveler...
I found a magic lamp, I rubbed it and a genie appeared, he said: "I grant you only one wish, use it wisely."
I said "ok, I want unlimited desires".
So we started arguing with the genie, the genie claimed he only accepts one wish and that wish is unacceptable and contradicts the original grant.
then i had another wish, i said "i want you to be my slave and do what i want".
that was...
Regarding money I'm ready for life,
As long as I die next Tuesday
A wise old man retires...
...and bought a modest house near a high school. He spent the first few weeks of his retirement in peace and contentment. This started a new school year.
The following afternoon, full of youthful enthusiasm, three boys walked down her street after school, happily knocking on every door....
Why were only 3 of the 4 kings called sages?
Because the other didn't have an open mind.
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Wise words from my grandma.
Not all strippers are whores and not all Romanian girls are strippers.
Some are also prostitutes.
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Why is it unwise to ask homosexuals for information?
They will never tell you when to go straight...
A farmer had an idea how to make money on his farm during the off-season. He had a huge property surrounded by a large white picket fence. Along this fence ran an old country road on which few people drove. He decided to put together some Christmas lights.
It took some time to gather all the necessary lights, but eventually he was done with the sweat of his farmhands and an absurd number of extension cords. As the sunset came, the first car on this road had an amazing view.
The entire fence was covered in lights! Fence...
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A wise old friend told me, "You should never have sex with someone you don't want to be."
So I think I should stop masturbating.
A boy looks longingly at the distant islands
He wants to flee to the islands but the only problem is that he has no money. He goes to his wise old neighbor and asks his advice on how to get there.
The old man says, "Well, in these forests here there are magical elves who have a special powder. If you get their dust, you might just fly...
I heard that Nickelback's Chad Kroeger loves to take part in nativity plays. He played a shepherd, the innkeeper and in one year he even played donkey pranks...
But he never did it like a wise man
Long ago there were two men, David and Nicholas the Wise
One day they were lying in a field comparing their minds when David turned to Nikolay.
He told Nikolay that he had a higher IQ so he must be smarter. Nikolay just laughed and told him there was only one way to find out who was smarter. You have to go to a pass and cross it, the fi...
A wise old man once told me something very important about paying attention to what people are saying.
I have no idea what he said but I found a funny meme on Reddit so I have no regrets.
A wise old pirate captain has captured a group of merchant marines, but tells them he'll spare their lives if they can answer one question: what's a pirate's favorite card?
The first seaman, looking smug, haughtily approaches the captain and says, "Obviously it's RRRRRRR!" The captain slowly shakes his head and says, "RRRRRR are you kidding me?" before throwing the sailor overboard and throwing it at the sharks. The second seaman, a little wary now but still confident...
Fool: Why do ducks run like idiots?
Wiseman: Why do idiots walk like ducks?
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At a meeting in a synagogue, a young Jew asked the wise old rabbi:
“Rabbi, why do people hate the Jews so much?” The rabbi thinks for a while and says, “That's an interesting question. Let's all talk about it tomorrow with some vodka! Each of you must bring a bottle of fine vodka so that we can mix everything in a large container and drink, discuss and then respond with...
"A fool endures what a wise man endures first." -Unknown
It seems my chances of getting laid improve dramatically the older I get. Cute!
this jokecouldcontain profanity. 🇧🇷
firefighters
In a small southern town there was a "nativity scene" that showed great skill and talent in creating it. A little thing bothered me. The Three Kings wore firemen's helmets. Completely unable to find any reason or explanation, I left. At a "Quick Stop" on the side of the trailer...
this jokecouldcontain profanity. 🇧🇷
What is the difference between a smartass and a smartass?
A smartass can sit in a bowl of ice cream and say it's cold.
A smartass can sit in a bowl of ice cream and tell you what it tastes like.
this jokecouldcontain profanity. 🇧🇷
Two boys in Egypt rescue a crocodile...
In a small village in Egypt lived two orphaned boys, Set and Amenhotep. They always cared for each other well beyond childhood and into their young adulthood.
One day, the two were walking outside of the village when they saw a crocodile caught in a poachers' trap. the t...
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